Friday, March 31, 2006

The DiaTribe Turns One

For the One-Year Anniversary and in anticipation of the Season Opener, it’s time to have some fun. I'd like to introduce some nicknames, and re-establish the ones that should, by now, be standard fare for our Tribesmen:
Grady Sizemore – SuperSizemore
Think Morgan Spurlock, McDonalds, and Grady in a cape. Can we get a graphic on the JumboTron of Grady, in full Superman gear, flying over Downtown? Or maybe him ripping open his jersey to see the big Superman “S”? Cleveland is Superman’s birthplace, after all.
Jason Michaels – The Showstopper
In honor of Shawn Michaels and Jason’s propensity to throw down, we’ll go with the Showstopper instead of the innocuous J-Mike. HBK didn’t sound tough enough.
Jhonny Peralta – Jhonny Cool
His demeanor and lazy eyes make me feel like they should show the song from West Side Story when he makes a great play. Just play it cooool, boy…real cooool. And to nip any insults in the bud, the only movies that St. Margaret Mary School owned in the late 80’s and early 90’s were “West Side Story” and “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”, so anytime that a movie was shown in school, it was one of those two movies. Thus, anyone who attended St. MM in those years is able to recite essentially every line from both of those movies because both movies have been permanently burned into our synapses.
OK, maybe that revelation will just bring more insults.
Travis Hafner – Le Pronque
For his French-Canadian heritage (that I just made up), the Pronk nickname gets some culture. It also allows us to yell, “Vive Le Pronque”.
Victor Martinez – Vic the Stick
Pretty self-explanatory, but one letter too long to be embroidered on a custom jersey.
Ronnie Belliard – Jelly Belliard
Every time I see Belliard run, I think of the line in “The Night Before Christmas”:
He had a broad face and a round little belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.

Aaron Boone – Mr. Laura Cover
Similar to Chuck Finley being Mr. Tawny Kitaen, having a wife this hot means that nobody’s EVER looking at you when you’re out, even if you’re a ballplayer.
Ben Broussard – Bono Broussard
If Benny’s baseball career doesn’t pick up, maybe his album sales will.
Casey Blake – Kasey Blake
K’s too much to earn the C back. He could earn the C back, but not yet.
Kelly Shoppach – ShopVac
When your manager refers to you by the name of a vacuum AND you’re a catcher, you’ve just acquired the nickname that will accompany you throughout your career.
Eduardo Perez – El Senador
If Dennis Martinez was El Presidente and Sean Casey was The Mayor, the ebullient Perez can be referred to along the same lines, with the Spanish equivalent of The Senator. Think of Perez of this team’s Alvaro Espinoza, minus the bubble-gum caps.

C.C. Sabathia – Crooked Cap
Rather than Captain Cheeseburger or Corporal Curveball, we’ll stick with the obvious one.
Jake Westbrook – Jake the Snake
Randy Wolf has guys that dress up like Teen Wolf and Dontrelle Willis has fans that dress up like train conductors (D-Train). Is it too much to ask the fans of Cleveland (the ones that sit way up in the RF corner that can’t even see the game) to form a Snake Pit when Westbrook throws?
Cliff Lee – The General
Like my 6th Birthday Party, we’ll have a “Dukes of Hazzard” theme.
Paul Byrd – Free Bird
Lynard Skynard did enter the Rock Hall this year. A stretch? Sure.
Jason Johnson – Sugar
Yes, he’s a diabetic. Yes, I should be more sensitive. But I know very little about the guy right now, so we’re sticking with this one.

Bob Wickman – Sticky Wicky
Not that he gets us out of sticky situations; rather, they are of his own doing.
Fernando Cabrera – F-Cab
Our own version of K-Rod, literally.
Rafael Betancourt – Rocky
As I’ve often said, whenever Wedge or Hamilton call Betancourt “Raffy” it sounds like “Rocky” to me. Maybe they can play the montage from Rocky IV when he ditches the Russian guards and climbs a mountain when he strikes out the side. They play the music at the Q. It took me about 5 seconds to recognize the song.
Guillermo Mota – Billy Dot
If Jose Mesa can be Joe Table, Guillermo Mota can be Billy Dot
Matt Miller – Miller Time
They should show those old ridiculous “Less Filling, Tastes Great” commercials with Bob Uecker and Bob Lanier, among others, that end with the line that they can all agree that it’s Miller Time.

Thanks to everyone who has contributed to the growth of this blog, which is essentially the rantings of a former Little Indian Fan Club member who, by my own admission, has the Indians on the brain during about 75% of the day in the off-season, 90% of the day in-season (the bride would dispute the numbers being that low).

Just like every birthday I’ve had since age 8, maybe I’ll celebrate this weekend with a Dairy Queen ice cream cake with Chief Wahoo on the top.
There’s nothing wrong with having a DQ ice cream cake in the freezer.

2 days until Opening Night.


Baltimoran said...

unfortunately, i think us ramblers also learned our fighting skills from WSS, i can still remember Nemeth fake knife fighting at recess. No wonder we sucked at every sport besides 3rd grade soccer (THE SMURFS...undefeated). I've also heard our blog creator sing a drunken play by play of the entire Willy Wonka movie at Ohio State...followed by two other favorites "Chubby Chief Wahoo" and "Fat Nazi Eskimo"

Great first year on the blog, filled a pressing need of talking tribe that can't be met in B-more

Can't wait till Sunday

t-bone said...

happy first!!!

Rockdawg said...

Happy 1. On to the nicknames...Hafner - even though it is his "official" nickname (he is called Pronk by players, media, and fans) I just think that word sounds wierd. Maybe it's just me. I gonna stick with Haf-Pipes for now. I can, however, get behind "Viva Le Pronque" chants with gusto.

Ed Perez (El Senedor)- Great nickname, but in the explanation, have we forgot about another public servant that played for the Tribe? I'm talking about "The Governer" Jerry Browne (i think that was his name)

Cabrera - I can't think of any, but there's GOT to be a better name than F-Cab. Fernando Phenom? F-Bombs? Kid Cabrera? Ahhh, maybe there isn't one.

After all this time, PTC, I thought WSS and Willy Wonka were your favorite movies by choice. Baltimorian, any Nemeth reference is automatically hilarious.

Paul Cousineau said...

How could I forget Jerry Browne?!?

I waffled on Cabrera. I thought they could have one of those bad cartoon graphics (like the old "Baby Bull" and "Pasta Paulie") on the JumboTron showing Cabrera in a taxi (F-Cab, get it?) riding in from the bullpen.

Cy Slapnicka said...

When it warms up and Garko gets called up, can we use my nickname for him? Please?

Loved the Grady ideas

Paul Cousineau said...

Yes, we can use Ryan Garko-my-god-did-you-see-how-far-he-hit-that.

It just takes a long time to write. I'll have to use the old copy-and-paste.