Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Meet the Tribe, Greet the Tribe

The opener against the Orioles was one of those truly fun games to watch as the Indians pounded the O’s pitching and Jason Johnson cruised. The result was never really in doubt as the Tribe piled on. Since we’re in a good mood, let’s go off the board.

With an assist to the brilliance of Deadspin, it seems that tonight’s Orioles’ starter Bruce Chen is shown on the JumboTron during Orioles games telling bad jokes.

Well, that got me to thinking about the Indians and how they need an advertising campaign that mixes some humor in to allow Cleveland to see these guys and their personalities. So, without further ado, I present my suggestions for the 2006 Indians’ ad campaign. Think the tone of the SportsCenter commercials with some local flavor:

Grady’s First Day
The scene opens with clubhouse manager Tony Amato showing Grady Sizemore around the clubhouse with a caption on the screen reading “July 20, 2004; Grady Sizemore is promoted to the Indians”. Amato takes him around the clubhouse, showing him the trainers’ room, the video room, and where the equipment is, etc. The tour concludes with the following exchange:
Amato: And, here in the corner cubicle is where your locker is.
Grady looks around with a deer-in-the-headlights look as Travis Hafner struts over to the pair.
Hafner (looking menacingly at Amato and channeling Patrick Swayze):
Nobody puts Grady in the corner.
Amato backs down from the Hafner stare. Hafner grabs Sizemore by the shoulder.
C’mon rook, you can have the locker next to me.
Fade to black.

What Really Happens in the Bullpen
A camera moves into the bullpen, with the caption “3rd Inning, Home Game”on the bottom. The camera slowly moves past the pitchers sitting in chairs watching the game to Bob Wickman, who is standing over a grill full of brats. Wickman tends to the grill as Luis Isaac enters the frame.
Wickman: Is Betancourt getting the ‘kraut ready?
Isaac: Yeah, he’s on his way.
Wickman: OK, fellas. Grab a bun. Brats On!
The pitchers, buns in hand, start to line up as Wickman starts doling out the sausage.
Fade to Black

The Truth About Slider
Slider and the girls that accompany him run off of the field to wild cheers as Slider ducks into a small room and sits down on a folding chair.
He sighs, and struggles to remove his oversized head. When the head is removed, it reveals a disheveled Bob Feller.
He grabs a handkerchief and wipes his brow, then has a drink of water.
One of Slider’s assistants swings open the door, saying, “There you are Mr. Feller. It’s time to go, we’re getting the Hot Dog Launcher loaded.”
Feller sighs deeply, puts the mascot head back on and slowly walks out the door.
Fade to Black.

Life Between At-Bats
Travis Hafner is shown making his way through the dugout, collecting high-fives after hitting a home run. Hafner works his way down the stairs to the clubhouse, still giddy from the excitement. He goes to his locker and hits play on a CD player, which starts the old Hulk Hogan introduction theme “Real American”. Hafner is shown, dressing up like the Hulkster of old, complete with the blond wig and mustache, do-rag, and yellow “Hulkamania” shirt.
As Hafner is doing the old “hand against the ear” routine, a finger presses STOP on the CD player behind Hafner. Hafner wheels around to find Cliff Lee standing there.
Hafner: Hey, Cliff. What’s up? Did they take you out?
Lee: Yeah, I’m going to go hit the showers. You might want to get back in uniform, Sizemore’s leading off next inning.
Hafner: OK, cool. Talk to you later.
Hafner starts to take off the do-rag and wig.
Fade to black.

Speaking of wigs, does anyone else think that Lou Brock is wearing a wig in that Briggs & Stratton commercial that's been running during games?

If you’ve got 9 minutes to kill, here’s one of the greatest things this RBI Baseball Freak has ever seen.

One final programming note: If you get the NFL Network, they're showing the 1989 Cleveland Browns Yearbook on Thursday morning from 5:30AM-6:00AM. If you haven't joined the TiVO revolution, consider this as another invitation.


Cy Slapnicka said...

If it takes eating awful ESPN zone food and watching crappy TVs for pitching, production, and defense like this, I'll have a crap sandwich...supersized please.

BBTN was hyping the tribe tonight. Free-Gammons (not the bastardized, internet pay version) called Jhonny the best young SS in baseball. They also interviewed Grady and he said he "gets off more on a great catch than a home run." Thousands of creative horny girls and the Baltimorian just rushed out to Daffy Dans and got shirted printed up that say simply, "Great Catch".


Baltimoran said...

what a great game.
decent showing by cleveland fans, and baltimore fans who hate the orioles, and anyone who enjoys baseball and saw grady's catch. if they were selling the Mrs. Sizemore shirts, I would be wearing one right now.
My buddy i went to the game with turned much of our section against me, but came out with a great line in the 5th. "save us cotton eyed joe"...they played a snippet of the song that is played after take me out to the ballgame...it has to do with some hillbilly firstbasemen named Boog or Boogs Powell...he has a barbeque stand too

rodells said...

It's Boog Powell, Bachs.

Anyone else hate Underwood as much as I do? He's awfully annoying and treats the listeners like we are all learning the game of baseball from his rambles.

Baltimoran said...

i might have to get some bbq pork from Boogie Woogie tonight.

one thing that was a great sign last night, chen fit the bill as a slow tossing lefty, and they smashed him